Two married men, Bill and Paul were having a drink after work.

Bill says: "Have you ever said something when you meant to say something else?"

"How do you mean?" said Paul.

"Well, see the other day whem buying airline tickets, instead of asking for two tickets to Pittsburgh, I asked for two pickets to Titsberg"

"Yeah, I know what you mean," said Paul. "Last week I was having breakfast with my wife. I meant to say 'Please pass me the Sugar.' But what came out was "Shut up you witch, you've ruined my life!"

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why is the lady dressed in white?"

His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."

The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the man dressed in black?"

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are hunched over, I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."