Why Married Couples Do Not Have Sex

Dear Wife,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

* 54 times the sheets were just cleaned
* 17 times it was too late
* 49 times you were too tired
* 20 times it was too hot
* 15 times you pretended to be sleep
* 22 times you had a headache
* 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
* 16 times you said you were too sore
* 12 times it was the wrong time of the month
* 19 times you had to get up early
* 9 times you said weren’t in the mood
* 7 times you were sunburned
* 6 times you were watching the late show
* 5 times you didn’t want to mess up your new hairdo
* 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
* 9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

* 6 times you just laid there
* 8 times you reminded me there’s a crack in the ceiling
* 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
* 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
* 1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

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Dear Husband,
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn’t get more than you did:

* 5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
* 36 times you did not come home at all
* 21 times you didn’t come with energy
* 33 times you came too soon
* 19 times you went soft before you got in
* 38 times you worked too late
* 10 times you got cramps in your toes
* 29 times you had to get up early to play golf
* 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
* 4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
* 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
* 2 times you had a splinter in your finger
* 20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day
* 6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
* 98 times you were too busy watching TV

Of the times we did get together:

* The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
* I wasn’t talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, “Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?”
* The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.